Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
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Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣