Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
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The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts