While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
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We are the people our parents warned us about.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I’m Sold!
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.