My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
You Might Also Like
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
pep talk
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers