Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
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“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.