Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
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Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
can I use a minion as a tampon
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.