90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
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In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Body by sandwich.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Planet of the Apps.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!