Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
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I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
any last words?
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!