earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
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I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
One cake enters. No cake leaves.