Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
You Might Also Like
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.