When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
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Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”