Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
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People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
*watches the world burn*
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes