Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
You Might Also Like
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Me, in DM rooms…
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit