Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
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Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Potatoes were such a good idea
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
This is a whole mood;
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”