sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
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Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
as is their right
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Money is the root of all wealth
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*