[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
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According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Facebook Twitter
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.