What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
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I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?