[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
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wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees