Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
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Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I bet birds love this building.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum