I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
You Might Also Like
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March