Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
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Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life