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starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*