Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
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*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Many hands make light work
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages