What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
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Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”