Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
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Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!