Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
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Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I love art.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.