My apathy is at an all time whatever.
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Single and childfree like Jesus
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.