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If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
this could fix me
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Good advice.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.