The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
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Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.