If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
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Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I’m not lazy
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
The “baby” on the left….
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.