Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
You Might Also Like
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
This week’s mood.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.