me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
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*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above