Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
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The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.