What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
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I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.