Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
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My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Yup
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…