Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
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I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
the Monday after daylight savings
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I was up all night reading about insomnia
felt that
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…