A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
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my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.