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A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.