when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
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Fidel Castro was alive?
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool