*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
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Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Flowers bee like
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.