I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
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My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.