Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
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Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
there’s probably a fee though
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Netflix and awkward silence?
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.