My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
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When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
want me to check your oil?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.