[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
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Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Forever 21… pounds overweight
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.