[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
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“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.