[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
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Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water