A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
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My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted