grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
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I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Need this in my life lol
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
The glockness monster
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?