*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
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Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
.
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I still have Pringles?
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
a fate I wish upon no one
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶