hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
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My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
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My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
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what do you guys want now?
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
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1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
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Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
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Haha
“What do we do?”
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
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If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
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